Reaching Out

Reading about Erin’s entry jolted some of my memories and inspired me to write on the topic of being too nice. Somehow I got side-tracked and wrote a post about a teenage drama I endured instead. Anyway, if you have read that story – the pillow incident I call it - you can tell by now that I was very eager to please and very non-confrontational. I have difficulty in saying no and I always wanted to be nice.

In the years ahead, many a time, I felt that I was invited for a day out only because I have a ride. Or the times when I have offered my help without being asked, and when I needed help, I could find no one. Times when I felt I have no friends I could trust, no one to listen, no one to talk to, no one to support me, no one to comfort me. No one I could truly count on. No true friend to lean on. Always taken for granted.

I particularly loved this excerpt Erin wrote in her entry:

I think that being selfish is an important aspect of selflessness – take care of yourself and you’ll be better equipped to help others. Put others first, but only if it doesn’t threaten your own well-being. It’s okay to hurt someone else’s feelings as long as it is necessary and unintentional. It’s okay if you hurt someone else’s feelings, as long as it’s necessary and unintentional. You’re allowed to say “no.” You have permission to stand up for yourself.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you“, was what I lived by.

But let’s face it, in the real world? Really? Not trying to sound sceptical but we are all human, including our friends. If you keep giving and giving without question, people will naturally take you for granted. They are not bad people, this is just human nature. I am no exception to the rule as well. I know I may have taken friends for granted too. It is okay to say NO, I can’t say it better than Erin did.

But wait, this is not my point.

One day in our student flat quite a few years ago, my housemate’s mobile phone got accidentally dropped into the toilet. If you live in Asia, you should know that some old houses do not have a toilet bowl. We have a squat toilet instead. Naturally, she was very distressed and would’ve prefered if she could retrieve her phone, fast! She had just done her business and it was a long drop down the hole, easily 3 feet!

A few minutes later, I watched as two of her guy friends attempted to retrieve her phone. First using a stick, a hook, then with bare hands! Watching them lying chest down beside the squat (yet to be flushed) toilet, faces a few inches from the toilet floor, hands reaching into the hole, I was touched. I envied her for having friends who will do pretty much anything to help. The beauty of it was, she didn’t even have to ask! I remember her telling them to give up already but they kept trying.

And then a thought struck me. If I had been the one with my phone down the toilet, who would help if asked? No one came to mind. If anyone should be lying face down, bare hands reaching into the toilet to retrieve my phone, it would be no one else but me, myself and I. I had no one.

But I also thought, I couldn’t ask anyone of such a favour, it was too much to ask. I’d rather do it myself.

That was my problem. I don’t ask. I assume that at times of need, friends will be there automatically. Just like in the movies or TV shows.

It was not that I had no friends I could count on, but I was so busy being the “selfless hero” I forget that I am allowed to ask for help and be a little selfish at times too. Sometimes, I need to be the one being rescued. I was expecting others to act like I would. And when they don’t, I get disappointed. Now that, is too much to ask/expect. They are not me.

So, here is my point. Friends are everywhere. All you need to do is reach out to them. Not sit and wait. I am glad to know that when I did reach out, I found a handful of real friends whom I know would be there for me, no matter what. No questions asked. 

Breaking The Ice

Do you ever feel that making new friends is one of the most stressful things to do in life? I do.

I find approaching someone new and starting a conversation with the said person very intimidating. I can be very warm and friendly but I have difficulty maintaining the flow of conversation or to keep it interesting. This leads to awkward silences most of the time. Usually I run out of things to say after “What’s your name?” and “What do you do?”. Then I ask boring follow-up questions about their job hoping they will ask me back or have more interesting stuff to talk about from there. I have come across many who are happy to elaborate further and I end up just nodding away even though sometimes I don’t follow too well. Then I tend to lose my focus and stop listening. Just empty nodding and smiling. I know, bad Tien…bad!

That is a major reason why I dread going to networking events or parties alone. It’s not that I am not comfortable alone, I am not comfortable being quiet at an event where you are supposed to mingle around and meet new people. Somehow it makes you seem rude. I am very happy to respond and speak to people who approach me for a chat. I can be very, very friendly too. But I will (unconsciously) make that person work really hard at keeping the ball rolling because I am an introvert. Many a time, they usually move on to chat with others after a few minutes with me. I guess I bore them

I have a handful of friends who are naturals at making new friends. They always have something interesting to say and make you feel comfortable in their presence. They are gifted ice breakers. I always think that people who are natural ice breakers tend to be people who are very confident about their own presence. And they tend to be excellent friends too! I envy their qualities. Maybe I lack confidence.

As difficult as it is for me to do so, I still make an effort to go out there and meet new people to build relationships. I realise I can’t be a big baby and not do something just because I don’t feel like it. It is undeniable that most of the time, it is not what you know but who you know. Exchanging name cards and expanding your list of acquaintances is just something I cannot avoid in the real world.

Are you a gifted ice-breaker? Any tips on how to improve ice-breaking skills?

Admirations

Today I am going to blog about people whom I admire. Not a list of names per se, but I am going to attempt to describe the types of people I admire. In a nutshell, I respect people who has the ability to do stuff that I am not good at or not even able to perform. Well, if I can do it myself, why would I admire you for being able to do it too, fair? So in a way, this post is sort of a tribute to a few talents I lack.

You know there is this theory that says the human brain is divided into two – the right brain and the left brain? The left brain is associated with logic while the right is all about creativity. I am definitely not a rightie in this case. I hated art in school because I can’t draw, I still can’t! And I don’t feel anything when staring at drawings in art galleries. And don’t get me started on ‘coming up with bright ideas’.

By now, you would’ve guessed that I admire artists. If you are a rightie, a strong apparent rightie, I admire you! I applaud those who possess highly creative minds and the ability to visualise something beautiful and recreate it perfectly. The designers – painters, interior designers, fashion designers, web designers and architects to name a few. In addition, I salute those who often think outside the box. Writers – fiction writers, screenwriters, people who create awesomesauce commercials, slogans., taglines…I mean where did they get all these wonderful ideas from?

On the other hand, I can’t say I am very much of a leftie either. All I can say is I enjoy filling in forms (very much!) and following instructions. I have afterall studied science since forever and now trained as an engineer so that would at least endow me as a leftie. Okay, maybe I am just average.

Because I see myself as (more of) a leftie, I am very specific with the qualities I admire in another leftie. Very specific. If you are excellent in playing Chess – Chinese or Korean or International - you are my hero! I am familiar with the rules of the game but oh my, I can’t play Chess for the life of me! For me, Chess is just another board game with fancier checkers. For serious Chess players, it is a strategy game where you need to plan design your every move while at the same time attempt to read your opponent’s mind and be a few steps ahead to emerge as the winner. A highly analytical mind is at an advantage in this game. It takes a lot of patience and  scrutiny which both I lack.

Somehow, I feel that political and economic analysts would ultimately be very good Chess players don’t you think? Both fields require pretty much the same characteristics in its participants to be at an advantage. Political and economic analysts are highly sophisticated and intelligent individuals and I am happy to include them on my list. (Logical algorithm: Political and economic analysts equal chess players, if I admire chess players I admire political and economic analysts too. Okay, I am a leftie).

So there you have it, the people I admire – designers, writers and chess players, and consequently political and economic analysts.

P.S. Terry is a really good Chess player – both International and Chinese Chess